As our parents age, our relationship with them changes, and it can be tricky to navigate. You want to help them without making them feel like they’re losing their independence or dignity, But certain comments, even when well-meaning, can do more harm than good. Here are some things you should avoid saying to your aging parents—and better ways to approach the conversation.
1 “You already told me that.”
It can get annoying when parents start repeating the same stories, but pointing it out makes them feel embarrassed or self-conscious about their memory. And perhaps there’s something more at play.
Try this instead: “Oh, I love that story.” It shows you’re still listening and appreciate hearing about their experiences—even if it’s for the hundredth time.
2 “You’re too old to do that.”
Saying they’re too old feels like you’re slamming the door on their independence. Whether they want to take a trip, start a new hobby, or do something spontaneous, it is their way of showing that they still feel vibrant.
Try this instead: “That sounds awesome. How can I help?” Encourage their adventurous side and offer support in case they need it.
3 “You should move to a nursing home.”
Even if you’re genuinely worried about their health or safety, suggesting they must leave their home is a tough pill to swallow. It can make them feel like they’re losing control over their life.
Try this instead: “Let’s explore some options that could make life easier for you.” Keep the conversation focused on their well-being and let them feel involved in the decision.
4 “You have no idea how things work these days.”
provided by Shutterstock
We’ve all been there when our parents can’t figure out how to use the remote or send a text, but saying they don’t get how things work can feel dismissive. It also comes off as condescending and undermines their self-worth.
Try this instead: “Let me show you how this works.” Explain clearly without making them feel out of touch.
5 “You can’t drive anymore.”
provided by Shutterstock
Taking away their keys is like taking away their freedom. Maybe you have some concerns, but flat-out saying they can’t drive can make them feel like they’re losing their independence, especially if they are capable.
Try this instead: “How about we take a drive together?” Use it as an opportunity to check in on their driving skills and, if needed, start a conversation about safer options together.
6 “Why are you so slow?”
provided by Shutterstock
Aging naturally slows people down, but calling them out on it can make them feel inadequate or self-conscious, and they may feel like a burden to you. They’re well aware of their declining physical health and don’t need constant reminders.
Try this instead: “Take your time; we’re not in a rush.” Showing patience can make them feel more comfortable and respected.
7 “I don’t have time for this.”
We’re all busy, but saying this to your parents may make them feel like a burden. They may already worry about taking up too much of your time.
Try this instead: “I’m tied up right now, but can we talk later?” Let them know you’ll make time for them soon without brushing them off.
8 “You’re acting like a child.”
Aging can be frustrating for them, too, but comparing them to a child is belittling. They’ve lived a whole life and deserve to be treated with respect, not like they’re regressing.
Try this instead: “I know this is difficult for you.” Empathy goes a long way—acknowledge their struggles without making them feel small.
9 “You’re lucky you don’t have to work anymore.”
Retirement isn’t always a carefree vacation. Many older people miss the structure, purpose, and social connections their careers gave them.
Try this instead: “How do you feel about being retired?” It will allow them to share their true feelings, whether they love it or struggle with the adjustment.
10 “You don’t need that.”
Telling your parents what they do or don’t need can make them feel like children, or worse, they’re no longer in charge of their own decisions. They are adults and deserve respect.
Try this instead: “If it makes you happy, go for it!” Let them decide what they need, and encourage their choices, whether a new gadget or a night out with friends.
11 “How do you not know this?”
Whether it’s the latest tech trend or cultural shift, it’s easy to get frustrated when they don’t know something. It might seem obvious to you, but the world is changing fast, and generation gaps catch up; it will for you, too.
Try this instead: “Let me explain.” It’s a much more patient and understanding way to help them without making them feel clueless.
12 “It’s just part of getting old.”
Saying this when they bring up health concerns or struggles can feel dismissive and like you don’t care. You’re telling them to accept the aging process and stop complaining.
Try this instead: “That sounds tough—how can I help?” This shows that you’re listening and willing to support them through whatever they’re facing.
13 “We’re going to do it my way.”
Making decisions for them without considering their input can make them feel powerless and overlooked. Just because they are getting older doesn’t mean they are stupid or can’t think for themselves.
Try this instead: “Let’s figure this out together.” Approach decisions as a team, ensuring everyone feels their voice still matters.