Loving someone with narcissistic tendencies can be hard to spot and confusing because their behavior flies under the radar. It’s not always obvious in the beginning, but the red flags show up over time. If you notice any of these traits, it can help you understand why things feel off in your relationship. Here are 15 subtle signs your S.O. has narcissistic traits and some advice on how to cope when they unleash them.
1. They Love Bomb You, Big Time
This is one of the biggest signs of a narcissist. At the beginning of the relationship, they are all over you with attention, affection, and grand gestures to the point of over-the-top love bombing. But once they reeled you in, that affection has dialed down or become non-existent, leaving you confused and insecure.
How to Cope: Be weary of extreme highs and lows in their behavior. Don’t get swept up in intense displays of affection, especially in the beginning. Take it with a grain of salt, especially if it appears insincere or inconsistent.
2. They Expect VIP Treatment
Narcissistic types have a sense of entitlement and a grandiose view of themselves. They believe they deserve special treatment. They expect people to look up to them in restaurants, at work, and in their relationships. It’s like they think the rules don’t apply to them.
How to Cope: Don’t get caught up catering to their overinflated ego or sense of entitlement. You aren’t their starry-eyed assistant; gently remind them we are all equal and should be treated the same way.
3. They Consider the Relationship A Competition
They always make the relationship feel like a competition. Whether it’s about work, looks, or social status, their competitive natures make them want to one-up you and be the best. This is emotionally immature on their behalf and exhausting for you.
How to Cope: Don’t buy into the competition. Reframe the focus of your relationship on collaboration and emphasize that you are a team and both bring something to the table. Hopefully, that works.
4. They Make Everything About Them
If every conversation or interaction quickly circles back to them, even when it starts off being about you, it’s a red flag. They thrive on attention and undermine you by making everything about how it impacts them, including your struggles and your achievements.
How to Cope: Set boundaries, especially in conversations. Gently steer the focus back to your needs and pay attention to how they handle it.
5. They Can Never Say Sorry
Narcissistic people never admit they’re wrong. If they mess up or hurt you, you’re more likely to hear excuses than an actual apology. They could even shift the blame onto you.
How to Cope: Explain how their actions affected you and ask them to be more mindful and change their behavior. They may not say sorry, but watch out to see if anything shifts.
6. They’re Hyper Sensitive to Criticism
These people can’t take constructive feedback. Even the smallest hint of criticism can send them spiraling into defensiveness or anger. They might lash out, accuse you of attacking them, or sulk for days.
How to Cope: You shouldn’t have to tip toe around their insecurities but to avoid a backlash, choose your words carefully. Frame feedback in a way that feels encouraging but also prepare yourself that not even this could go down well.
7. They Love to Play the Victim Card
When something goes wrong, it’s never their fault. They are masters at twisting situations to make it seem like they’re the ones who’ve been wronged. By flipping the script, they make you feel guilty and like you are the one who needs to apologize.
How to Cope: Recognize that they have a victim mentality and don’t take it on. Stay calm and focus on the facts and what actually happened. Remember, it is not about how your partner feels; it’s about getting them to take ownership and act like a grown-up.
8. They Diss Other People
A not-so-subtle but very telling sign of someone who has narcissistic traits is how they talk about others. If they constantly criticize, belittle people, and put them down, it’s a way of inflating themselves. They are trying to make up for their own inferior complex.
How to Cope: Don’t engage in negativity or gossip. Tell them you’re uncomfortable with tearing others down and encourage them to be more positive and empathetic toward people.
9. They Need Constant Praise
No matter how much admiration or validation you give them, it’s never enough. They’re always fishing for compliments or seeking reassurance, even in situations that don’t warrant it. This is like having a petulant child on your hands.
How to Cope: Pay attention to how often you feed their ego with praise. While it’s important to compliment and encourage your partner, it’s not your job to boost their self-worth. It’s theirs.
10. They Consider Your Boundaries No Big Deal
Setting boundaries is healthy in a relationship and should be respected. When you try to set limits about your time, space, or emotional needs, they push back or ignore them altogether, which is a red flag. They consider and see your boundaries as no big deal.
How to Cope: Be clear about your boundaries and stand firm that they need to be respected. It’s okay to reinforce them when they’re crossed and let your partner know you’re upset. It might be time to reconsider the relationship if they still refuse to acknowledge and respect them.
11. They Use the Silent Treatment as Punishment
When things don’t go their way, or they feel slighted, if they don’t fire up, they could go cold and punish you with their silence. Giving someone the silent treatment isn’t productive and doesn’t address the issue. It’s not because they are upset or processing their emotions; it’s a control tactic to make you feel guilty.
How to Cope: Don’t play into their silent treatment mind game; let them have their space. If they do want to resolve conflict like an adult, calmly communicate that this isn’t an acceptable way to resolve issues and you need them to be more open.
12. They Aren’t Your Cheerleader
When something good happens to you, they aren’t cheering enthusiastically or genuinely happy for you. Instead, they downplay your achievements or give you a half-hearted congratulations. Remember, they are competitive and insecure, so celebrating your wins is not something they want to entertain.
How to Cope: Celebrate your successes even if they can’t. You don’t need their praise or validation. Surround yourself with people who support and encourage you and share your joy.
13. They Give Backhanded Compliments
If their “compliments” feel more like thinly veiled insults, it’s a sign of narcissism. An example might be that they say, “You look good today for a change.” It might seem like a compliment, but it’s a backhanded one that is designed to put you down.
How to Cope: Call them out when they talk to you like this. Tell them, “That didn’t sound like a compliment,” and see how they react and respond. Don’t let their subtle digs slide, or they will only get worse.
14. They Don’t Show Up for You
Not only is every conversation always about them, but they never initiate one about you. They don’t take an interest in your dreams, passions, or friendships, and if they do ask a question, it’s usually a surface-level one. This can make the relationship feel very one-sided and make it feel like you’re over-giving for peanuts in return.
How to Cope: You matter, so remind them of that. Don’t be afraid to redirect conversations to yourself and tell them it makes you happy and feel more secure when you take an interest in your life.
15. They Use Affection as a Weapon
Consistency isn’t their biggest strength, especially when it comes to showing or expressing their feelings. One day, they’re all over you; the next day, they seem distant and disinterested. This hot-and-cold behavior is a secret weapon they use to make you feel insecure and keep second-guessing how they feel about you.
How to Cope: Stay grounded in your self-worth and recognize the games they play. Don’t let their inconsistent affection undermine your confidence or dictate how you feel about yourself. This is their problem.