A clear sign of a healthy relationship is feeling loved, supported, and valued. Unfortunately, sometimes partners can undermine our self-esteem without even realizing it—or maybe it’s intentional. If you sense that your confidence is slipping due to your partner’s words or actions, here are 15 signs, backed by psychology, that your S.O. is sabotaging your self-esteem.
1. They Make Out You’re Insane
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic and form of emotional abuse (intentional or not) where your partner denies things they’ve said or done, making you question your memory or sanity. They might also insist that you’re overreacting or crazy. Engaging in this behavior makes you doubt your reality and self-worth, often to maintain control and avoid accountability. Trust your instincts and perceptions and seek support from trusted friends or a mental health professional if you feel gaslit. It can also help to document these instances to keep track and be more aware of the pattern.
2. They Guilt Trip You Into Submission
When you try to set healthy boundaries or disagree with your partner, they react angrily or flip the script to make out you are being selfish or unreasonable; this is guilt-tripping, pure and simple. This tactic allows them to exert and maintain control and keeps you in a state of compliance and dependency. Recognize when someone is trying to make you feel guilty or create a power imbalance, reaffirm your right to set boundaries, and emphasize that they must be respected. Your opinion and needs matter; if your partner continues to cross the line, seek professional support from a therapist.
3. They Use Affection a Weapon
Love and affection should never come with conditions. If when you do something your partner disapproves of, they withdraw affection or intimacy as a form of punishment, this is a major red flag. This shows they are emotionally immature and manipulative. Withholding affection is a way to make you conform to their expectations and feel unworthy and insecure. Communicate openly about how this behavior affects you, and be clear that you deserve to be treated with respect. Consider seeking couples therapy if the behavior persists.
4. They Put You Down in Public
If your partner always contradicts you, makes dismissive or belittling remarks, or outright disagrees with you in front of others, this undermines your self-worth. Publicly embarrassing you is an attempt to assert dominance and make you feel inferior. It is also a way to shift attention away from their flaws, but honestly, they should be the ones who are embarrassed. Discuss with your partner how their public behavior affects you and that they need to change it. If having an open, honest conversation doesn’t work, seek support from friends or a therapist.
5. They Make You Feel Ugly
Your partner should make you feel like the most beautiful and important person in their life and be your number one fan. If they make negative comments about your looks, your weight, or the way you dress, it’s not constructive criticism; it’s putting you down. This control mechanism makes you feel insecure, underconfident, and dependent on their approval. Focus on building your self-esteem, accept yourself for who you are, and surround yourself with people who uplift you. If your partner resorts to these types of comments, it usually indicates their lack of self-worth, so don’t take it on. And let them know it’s not acceptable.
6. They Ignore Your Achievements
Your partner should also be your biggest cheerleader and celebrate your achievements, big or small. If they downplay or ignore them, whether a promotion at work or completing a personal goal, this behavior might stem from their insecurities or jealousy. By belittling your accomplishments, they make up for their feelings of inadequacy. Recognize and validate your achievements and tell them how their comments affect you and that you would like their support. It might be time to reconsider the relationship if they can’t or won’t do that.
7. They Always Interrupt You
If your partner constantly interrupts, talks over you, or dismisses your opinion, it’s a sign of disrespect and a way to assert dominance. It also undermines your confidence and could make you think your opinions don’t matter, and you will feel unheard and unimportant. Be firm but polite, and ask them to allow you to finish your point before they speak. If the interruptions continue, discuss the importance of mutual respect and listening in your relationship.
8. They Accuse You of Overreacting
If, when you express your emotions, your partner dismisses them with comments like, “You’re too sensitive” or “It’s not a big deal, ” they are minimizing your feelings and invalidating your experiences. This can make you doubt your emotional responses and make you feel inadequate. Trust your feelings, honor your truth, and have a candid conversation with your partner about how their comments make you feel. It’s important to feel emotionally heard and validated and not be dismissed as overreacting or being too sensitive.
9. They Play the Comparison Game
It’s not a good sign if your partner compares you negatively to others regarding your career success, looks, or personal achievements. Making comparisons is a way to undermine your self-worth and confidence and make you feel you don’t measure up. It usually stems from their dissatisfaction, envy, or insecurity. Remind yourself of your strengths, achievements, and everything you bring to the relationship. Your partner is lucky to be with you. Tell them you won’t tolerate being compared to anyone, and you expect them to treat you with respect and give you the support you deserve. It might be time to show them the door if they can’t.
10. They Make You Second-Guess Yourself
If your partner consistently questions or second-guesses your decisions, you can begin not to trust your own judgment. This behavior will dent your confidence and make you reliant on their approval. It is a way to assert control over your choices and shows they have a “my way or the highway” mentality. Trust your decision-making abilities and seek validation from others if you start to doubt yourself. Relationships are a two-way street; you deserve to have your opinions heard and respected.
11. They Laugh at Your Expense
It’s never okay for your partner to make jokes or sarcastic comments at your expense. They may try covering up their bad behavior by claiming it’s all in good fun, but their remarks cut deep and diminish you. Using humor as a weapon can be a way to deflect criticism and assert dominance while masking hurtful intentions as harmless. Address the issue directly by explaining how their jokes make you feel. Request that they stop and be more positive and supportive in their communication style.
12. They Are Judgy
You should never tolerate being judged by anyone, least of all your partner. If they shower you with praise one minute and are dismissive or critical the next, they are playing mind games. This inconsistency can leave you feeling unsteady and confused. Judging or criticizing someone is a form of emotional abuse and a way to make you feel dependent on their approval and validation. Seek feedback and support from people you trust and recognize when your partner is trying to manipulate you.
13. They Make Out You Do Nothing
Relationships should be equal, and if your partner constantly overlooks, diminishes, or takes credit for your contributions, they disrespect you. This behavior is meant to diminish your role and make you feel guilty and like you don’t measure up. It can also be a tactic to elevate their status or not take responsibility for their tasks. Document and communicate your contributions clearly and ensure they respect and appreciate you and your efforts.
14. They Ice You Out
If your partner resorts to silent treatment after a disagreement or when they are displeased with something, they are emotionally immature and not capable of healthy conflict resolution. This tactic is used as punishment to make you feel anxious and unworthy. Icing you out is a manipulative way to control and coerce you into submission or apology, creating emotional distress. Address the issue calmly and directly and emphasize the importance of healthy, honest, open communication as the foundation of the relationship.
15. They Hurl Criticism
Constantly being criticized, bringing up past mistakes, or highlighting your shortcomings is a way to belittle you. And it works. This behavior makes you feel guilty and insecure and strips you of your confidence. Hurling insults or criticism is very damaging and unhealthy and is usually a sign your partner has low self-esteem or was criticized growing up. If you address it and it doesn’t change, it’s time to move on, no matter how hard it may seem. You deserve to be treated with respect; sometimes, the only way to preserve your dignity is to leave.