Sadly, apologies aren’t always sincere. Sometimes, that “I’m sorry” you’ve been waiting for someone to give you can come off as rude or dismissive, which defeats the whole purpose. So, how do you know when someone genuinely regrets what they did, how it hurt you, and when they’re full of it? Look for the following signs.
1. They Take a Loud Breath After
You ask someone to apologize and they make a big production of having to say sorry, like taking a deep breath or exhaling loudly. Or, they might show other signs of wanting to be anywhere but in front of you, like rolling their eyes. How can you trust what they’re about to say if they clearly don’t want to say it?
2. It’s Like Pulling Teeth to Get It
You can usually tell when an apology is forced and insincere. It might feel like the person doesn’t want to apologize and only does so out of obligation. A classic example is the dismissive “Fine, I’m sorry.” That kind of non-apology is frustrating and completely misses the point.
3. It Was Prompted by Someone Else
It doesn’t feel sincere when the person apologizing mentions someone else, such as by saying, “Alison told me I should apologize to you.” This is hurtful because the person didn’t come up with the idea themselves. Did they have to be encouraged to say sorry to you? It seems pretty clear it’s not sincere.
4. It’s Vague at Best
Someone who’s not giving you a real apology might try to keep things vague, as though they don’t want to get deep into what they did wrong. They’re deflecting their responsibility by saying, “I’m sorry that happened.” They’re not taking any accountability.
5. They Give Unnecessary Details
When someone’s apologizing to you but they give you a ton of details or ramble on about nothing, it feels like they’re trying to distract you from the specific apology. It also feels like they’re trying to explain away the fact that they’re responsible.
6. They Ask For Something in Return
Instead of telling you they’re genuinely sorry, the person says they’ll only apologize if you do something. So, they might say, “I’ll apologize, but only if you promise to drop this subject,” or “I’ll say sorry if you admit what you’ve done.” Nope.
7. They Blame You for Their Behavior
Someone quick to turn the tables on you might want to make it seem like you’re the problem or you’re to blame. So, they’ll say, “I’m sorry if you feel I did something bad,” or “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt.” Whenever you hear “if,” it’s a red flag.
8. They Make You Feel Guilty About It
It’s not a genuine apology if the person makes it seem like you’re wrong or toxic to expect an apology. So, for instance, if they say something like, “Don’t you know I’m sorry?” That’s not enough.
9. Their Tone is Off
If someone says they’re sorry, it’s not just their words that matter but their tone. If they blurt out, “Sorry!” it doesn’t seem real or serious. It’s like they’re making light of the situation or trying to zip through the discomfort.
10. They’re Rude About It
It’s unfair for the person to give you an apology if they’re not going to be nice to you. Now, they’re just creating other things for which they’ll have to apologize. One of the worst situations is when they say, “I guess I should apologize.” That’s so offensive.
11. They Don’t Let You Speak
Although you want to listen to their apology, they should also be willing to listen to you. Maybe you still have something to say about what happened, or you want the apology to be a bit more of a conversation. But they might hope you drop it so they don’t have to get real with you.
12. They Apologize But Never Improve
An apology is meaningless if real actions do not back it. The person should tell you how they will change their behavior. If not, their word “sorry” is just a word, and they’ll probably hurt you in the same way again.
13. They Seem Annoyed to Have to Apologize
It’s frustrating when a person who’s supposed to be giving you a heartfelt apology looks angry or frustrated. Even though they’re saying how truly sorry they are, they’re bottling up their feelings, proving they’re not keen to resolve the issue.
14. They Apologize and Then Criticize You
The person delivering a fake apology might apologize for how they’ve hurt you but then follow up with a critique of you! It’s a way for them to deflect responsibility. So, they might say something like, “I’m sorry, but you’re way too sensitive about this.” Yikes.
15. They Use “but” When Apologizing
Whenever you’re trying to suss out if an apology is real, check for the use of the word “but.” So, the person might say, “I’m sorry, BUT you can be rude,” or “I’m sorry, BUT you misunderstood what I meant.” This word erases everything that comes after it, making it clear that the person’s not giving you an honest apology. Sorry, not sorry.