Playing the blame game is easy when a relationship isn’t going well. What’s hard is having to look in the mirror. We all have moments where we’re not our best selves in our partnership, but if certain behaviors become a pattern, it could be a sign that you’re the one causing harm. This isn’t about blaming yourself or feeling guilty—it’s about recognizing unhealthy habits so you can make positive changes. If any of these truths hit close to home, you might be showing up as the toxic partner, and it’s time for some self-reflection.
1. You Make Them Feel Like They Have to Walk on Eggshells
Does your partner hesitate to share their thoughts or feelings because they fear how you’ll react? When they feel they must tread carefully around your emotions to avoid triggering an outburst, it’s a clear sign you’ve created a toxic dynamic. Partners should feel safe to express themselves without fear of anger or punishment. Your relationship isn’t a safe emotional space if they constantly monitor what they say.
2. Your Apologies Come with Strings Attached
Apologies should be simple, but yours comes with fine print. If you can’t apologize without tacking on a “but you made me do it” or “I wouldn’t have acted like this if you hadn’t…”, you’re not apologizing. You’re deflecting. Apologies should take ownership. When you shift the blame, your partner feels unheard and invalidated, deepening the hurt you’re supposedly trying to heal.
3. You Expect Your Partner to Be a Mindreader
Do you find yourself seething because your partner didn’t magically know what you wanted or what was bothering you? Relationships require communication, not guesswork. If you expect your partner to figure out your feelings without you voicing them clearly, you’re setting them up for failure. Resentment builds quickly when one person plays this unspoken “you should just know” game. Spoiler alert: no one is a mind reader.
4. You Always Have to Be Right
It’s normal to have strong opinions, but when every disagreement turns into a battle where you must prove you’re right, you create a hostile environment. If you constantly interrupt, dismiss, or bulldoze over your partner’s feelings or opinions to be the “winner,” you prioritize your ego over the relationship. No one enjoys feeling like they’re in a debate club with the person they love.
5. You Control the Narrative in Fights
Are you the type who twists arguments to make yourself the victim? Maybe you conveniently “forget” what you said that started the argument, or you paint your partner as unreasonable while you play the martyr. Controlling the narrative means you’re manipulating how your partner’s actions are perceived. This behavior forces them into a corner where their feelings are dismissed or invalidated. It’s toxic because it prevents actual resolution from ever happening.
6. You Make Everything About You
Every conversation somehow circles back to you. Your partner is talking about their rough day, and suddenly, you’re one-upping them with a story about how your day was worse. In a healthy relationship, there’s space for both partners to share their experiences, but if you dominate the conversation or divert attention to your struggles, you’re dismissing their feelings. Empathy means being present for their story, not turning it into a platform for yours.
7. You Keep Score
If you constantly tally who’s done more chores, apologized more, or sacrificed more in the relationship, you’re treating your partnership like a contest. Relationships aren’t a game where one person wins; keeping score turns every action into a transaction. A loving relationship involves giving and taking without expectation of payback. When you keep score, you’re putting a price tag on affection and creating resentment on both sides.
8. You Play the Victim Card
When problems arise, do you always feel like things are being unfairly done to you as if you have no role in them? Playing the victim might feel comforting because it absolves you of responsibility, but it’s a toxic pattern that avoids accountability. If it’s always “woe is me,” and you’re never reflecting on how your actions contributed to the conflict, you’re choosing to stay blind to the part you play in the relationship.
9. You Get Jealous—A Lot
A little jealousy here and there is natural, but if you’re constantly suspicious of your partner’s interactions with others, you’re suffocating the relationship. Accusing them of cheating or flirting without any real basis isn’t about love—it’s about control. Jealousy that turns into controlling behaviors, like monitoring who they talk to or where they go, quickly becomes toxic. It’s rooted in your insecurities, and projecting that onto your partner is unfair.
10. You Use Guilt to Get What You Want
Do you manipulate situations by guilt-tripping your partner? Phrases like, “If you loved me, you’d do this,” or “I guess I’m just not that important to you” are designed to make them feel bad and bend to your will. Using guilt to control their decisions isn’t just manipulative; it erodes trust. When your partner feels pressured to make choices based on avoiding guilt rather than genuinely wanting to do something, it damages the foundation of the relationship.
11. You Hold Grudges
Arguments and disagreements are normal, but if you constantly bring up past mistakes every time you fight, it shows you haven’t forgiven or let go. Holding onto grudges keeps you both trapped in the past, unable to move forward. Rehashing old wounds during new arguments is toxic because it prevents healing. Healthy relationships require letting go of past hurts after addressing them, not using them as ammunition.
12. You Issue Ultimatums
“If you don’t do this, I’m leaving,” or “You better choose between me and [insert unreasonable demand].” Ultimatums force your partner into a corner, where they either comply out of fear or risk the relationship. This isn’t negotiation; it’s control. It shows that you’re more interested in getting your way than finding a compromise. Ultimatums create resentment and distrust, ultimately undermining the stability of the relationship.
13. You Gaslight Them
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where you make your partner question their reality. Do you say things like, “That never happened,” or, “You’re just too sensitive,” even when you know they’re right? Gaslighting leaves your partner confused, doubting their memories, and often believing they’re the problem. This type of manipulation can be highly damaging to your partner’s self-esteem and mental health over time.
14. You Suffocate Them
Everyone needs time to themselves or to spend with friends, but you’re clingy if you get upset or anxious when your partner wants some alone time. Constantly needing to be together or getting jealous when they make plans without you shows insecurity. Healthy relationships thrive when both partners have space to pursue their interests and maintain a sense of individuality. Being possessive or suffocating makes your partner feel trapped rather than loved.
15. You Never Admit When You’re Wrong
Nobody’s always right, but if you struggle ever to say, “I messed up,” you’re refusing to be vulnerable. Admitting when you’re wrong is a vital part of growth in a relationship. If you’re always defensive and never own up to your mistakes, it builds walls between you and your partner. Stubborn pride may protect your ego in the short term but slowly chips away at trust and intimacy.
16. You Undermine Their Confidence
Maybe your partner lands a promotion or achieves a personal goal, and instead of celebrating with them, you say, “Anyone could’ve done that,” or “It’s not that big of a deal.” Undermining their accomplishments is a sign of insecurity or jealousy. A healthy partner supports and uplifts their significant other’s achievements, no matter how big or small. Downplaying their success can make them feel unsupported, leading to resentment.