Have you ever had someone make an insulting comment and follow it up with, “I was just joking”? It can be tricky to know how to respond in the moment. Do you laugh along, call them out, or brush it off? These moments can feel awkward, but you can come out unscathed if you’re armed with the correct responses. Here are 15 ways to respond that strike the perfect balance between standing up for yourself and keeping things civil.
1. Slow Your Roll
The first thing to do is take a moment to gather your thoughts. Immediate reactions when you feel hurt can quickly escalate a situation and leave you saying something you might regret. Taking a breath before you respond shows that you have self-control, unlike the other person. It also gives you time to assess whether it was meant as a joke or a thinly veiled insult.
2. Clap Back
Don’t be afraid to express how the comment made you feel. You could say something like, “That actually hurt my feelings,” which makes it clear that their words had an impact. You also put the onus on them to acknowledge that what they said was hurtful. This can often be enough to stop people from making similar comments in the future.
3. Call It By Its Name
Sometimes, it’s best to name the behavior for what it is. A calm, “That wasn’t a joke; it was an insult,” can make the other person realize that trying to cover it up with humor isn’t working. This approach is direct but doesn’t have to be confrontational. It works well if the person attempts to humiliate you in front of others because it draws attention to their actions, not just what was said.
4. Ask Them to Explain Themselves
Sometimes, we might perceive things as hurtful because we’ve misunderstood. Asking them to explain the joke can be an effective way of gauging whether it was misinterpreted. Saying something like, “I don’t quite get the joke – can you explain it?” forces them to reflect on what they’ve said if there wasn’t any misinterpretation. It gives them a chance to apologize or rethink their approach.
5. Put Them in Their Place
If the comment crosses a line, it’s important to set clear boundaries on the spot and not later down the track. You could say, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t joke about that.” Setting boundaries isn’t about being overly sensitive, especially when a joke is made at your expense. This lets the person know that some topics are off-limits without causing unnecessary tension.
6. Rebut Them with Humor
If you feel the situation is light enough, responding with humor is one of the most sophisticated things you can do. Something like, “You might want to work on your stand-up routine,” can gently let them know that the joke didn’t land well. It’s a way to stay in control without making it too serious.
7. Segue the Conversation
Sometimes, it’s easier to steer the conversation in another direction instead of dwelling on the comment awkwardly. A simple “Anyway, let’s move on” or changing the subject is a subtle way to show that you’re not interested in engaging with their so-called joke. It keeps things from getting awkward but signals you’re unwilling to tolerate the insult.
8. Be Bold and Ask How They’d Feel
You can turn the situation around by asking them to consider how they’d feel in your shoes. Try asking, “How would you feel if someone said that to you?” This makes them pause and reflect on the impact of their words. Until then, they may not realize how hurtful their comment was until they’re asked to empathize.
9. Call Out the Behavior in a Firm Yet Polite Way
If this happens repeatedly, it may be time to be firmer with this person. You could say, “This isn’t the first time you’ve made jokes like this, and I’m not okay with it.” Being polite but direct lets them know that their behavior is a pattern you’ve noticed and it’s something you no longer want to tolerate. This approach says much more about your character than whatever insult the other person flung at you.
10. Let Them Know Jokes Have Limits
Not all jokes are created equal, and some cross personal boundaries. You might say, “I know you were trying to be funny, but there are limits to what’s okay to joke about.” This light response makes it clear that you’re drawing a line and setting boundaries. It can also allow them to acknowledge their mistake without feeling overly criticized.
11. Tell Them It’s Not Your Sense of Humor
People have different senses of humor—some things certain people find hilarious while others may be offended. It’s okay to let them know their joke doesn’t match yours. You could say, “That kind of humor just isn’t for me.” This way, you’re not accusing them of being mean but clarifying that you did not appreciate their joke.
12. Arm Yourself with Some Sarcasm
If you feel comfortable, a little well-placed sarcasm is the perfect way to let someone know their joke didn’t land. Something like, “Oh wow, hilarious,” in a deadpan tone is enough to add a bit of sting, showing that you didn’t find what they said funny. Sarcasm works well in some situations, but it’s best used sparingly.
13. Check if There’s a Deeper Issue
Sometimes, people use humor to mask genuine criticism or discomfort. If the same person keeps making similar “jokes,” you could ask, “Is something else bothering you?” If there’s genuinely a grievance they’re trying to air, this gives them a forum to do so rather than letting it play out through hurtful comments.
14. Learn When to Walk Away
If someone continues to make hurtful remarks disguised as jokes, learn that walking away is okay. You don’t have to say anything—you simply leave the conversation. This clearly conveys that you won’t tolerate disrespectful behavior and avoid escalating tensions. Sometimes, no response is the harshest response of all.
15. Don’t Let It Get to You
Their comment reflects more on them than on you. Keeping cool in these situations and letting harsh words roll off your back is the most potent response to any joke, remark, or insult. How you respond is more about maintaining your dignity than trying to change their behavior.